Today I just realized being a single mom sucks...its not the worst thing in the world but it sucks! No one to rely on but yourself and maybe the other people that help you out; but when you go to bed its just me and my infinite thoughts on how to make my life and my daughter’s life better? What can be NOW to make it better? What can I do to not struggle? The “What Ifs,” are there but I can’t live my life in “What If” land because that’s not reality well its not MY reality. So now I prepare for the days where I see my bank account getting lower and lower almost negative. I see myself keeping things inside more and more because I don’t want to hear what everyone has to say. I keep busy because I have no other choice.
Part of me wants a relationship but I realize that’s not gonna solve anything anyway because Joce and I have our own routine of some sort that we go by and involving someone in that is just something I’m not willing to do at this moment. Maybe later but not right now. I say not right now because there’s no one in my life that I seriously am considering to go any further with or see anything happening long term. It may be selfish but she and I are not island but for now we are, and I wanna keep it that way; not forever just for now.
And trust me, my intentions weren’t ever to be a single mom or a young mom but that’s the card I was dealt so I work with it in stride and compassion. Compassion for other young moms, and other single moms. I always wanted to get married young and have kids while I was young enough to run around with them and have my husband work and I’ll take care of the kids and house while he “brought home the bacon.” But I knew I was more than a housewife but if that's your thing I have no problem at all. I just know I don’t have the attention span for it or the patience. I wanted my own money, my own set of rules to live by and wanted to get out there and see the world before I settled down. Well I thought I had settled down, but I didn’t, I wasn’t. Happiness for me was short lived. I needed someone to cling too, someone to tell me it was going to be ok, when I kept hearing “my life is over,” “my life is ruined,” and other opinions about it. I needed someone to tell me “you’re life will just be altered but you can still do what you want to do,” I needed that! And I found it! And it was greatest feeling at the moment to have someone on my side! Someone to stand through the storm for and with me. But little did I know, I was heading for my own storm-tornado, hurricane, tsunami. I wanted it to work, I wanted it to get better and at times it did and most of the time it wasn’t. It took me almost 4 years to leave but I did. I wasn’t sad that it was over, I was more mad that I failed at something. Sure, I’ve failed a class here and there but this was life-MY LIFE! How could I fail? I didn’t wanna fail at marriage but I did! That set into motion my idea of “Nope, I don’t want to get married again and fail.” My best friend told me “Marriage isn’t graded by the rest of the world, its not graded at all. And divorce is not failing, its just the worlds way of saying there’s someone else that will make it worth it.” Marriage being worth it? Didn’t seem logical to me, and it still doesn’t. Later she told me “marriage isn’t a sprint, its a marathon.” Yeah I get that the whole love forever, death do you part, but death could be any day then what? You’re alone just like I am! But maybe the point is to spend your life with someone creating a family or not, creating a life-memories, fun filled adventures that will keep going. I was happy ONCE! But I love how forever doesn't last forever. At least my forevers don’t. Maybe I’m jaded on love but this is the hand I was dealt so I’m playing the best I know how. Bluffing it!
So my marriage ended and I was back to being a single mom on a journey of epic proportion! How epic? I have no idea, some days I have a total grasp on things and most days I fake it to make it.I know “there’s light at the end of the tunnel,” but you’re in the depths of the tunnel and all you see is darkness and no light anytime soon, its hard to believe. I hear all the time “oh it’ll get better,” or “you’ll be ok.” But who knows when it’ll get better, things don’t magically happen for me. Now its double the work, effort and time, money and energy. But I have to be believe that “it’ll get better,” because if I don’t I’ll be living a defeatist attitude for a long time and I’m way to awesome to do that.
My story has a beginning and many chapters that opened and closed and rewritten and thought were closed but didn’t wanna stay in the attics of my mind. But those stories will be another time. This is somewhat the middle.
